Since we’re holding a national election this week, I figured now would be a good time for me to vote on something, so I’m going to vote on the best touchdown celebration from Week 9. Now, this isn’t as important as the midterm elections, but if you think about it, it’s close, because why even do a touchdown celebration if someone’s not going to vote on how good it is.
First, we’re going to start with the Seahawks. I have no idea if there’s an official name for this celebration, but I’m pretty sure a flashmob broke out in their end zone after wide receiver Jaron Brown caught a touchdown pass from Russell Wilson in the first quarter of Seattle’s loss to the Chargers.
If I was scoring that dance, I would give it major bonus points for the choreography and the overall team effort. However, I would have to subtract points here because the Seahawks lost this game, which tells me they’re spending way too much time practicing end zone celebrations and not enough time practicing actual football.
Our second touchdown celebration comes from Michael Thomas, who pulled out a cell phone in an ode to Joe Horn. This wasn’t just any phone, either, it was a flip phone.
First, I don’t even know where you can buy a flip phone these days, so he gets major bonus points for that. I’m also awarding a bonus point for the fact that he used a prop and double bonus points because he got penalized. If I find out he used that cell phone to prank call Roger Goodell, then he gets triple bonus points.
Our last touchdown celebration this week doesn’t come from the NFL; instead, it comes from the CFL, where Ottawa offensive lineman Jon Gott celebrated a touchdown by chugging an entire beer. And let me just tell you that this celebration is as amazing as it sounds.
I have no idea what’s happening in Canada, but I want to be part of it.
Not only did that guy use a prop, but his celebration was so amazing that it’s now banned. That’s right, after watching a guy chug a beer and get drunk on the field, the CFL decided to ban the use of alcohol AND drugs in all on-field celebrations. Talk about the No Fun League.
Gott and his beer chugging get my vote for best celebration of the week.
Alright, let’s get to the picks, where there’s a 50 percent chance you’re going to want to chug a beer after reading them.
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Actually, before we get to the picks, here’s your weekly reminder to check out all the picks from every NFL writer here at CBSSports.com.
The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because Jared Dubin nearly ran the table last week. With his Week 9 picks, Dubin went 12-1 and he probably would have gone 13-0 if Jason Garrett knew how to coach. Oh yeah, that’s the twist here, the only game that Dubin missed was the Titans-Cowboys game on Monday night, which was kind of ironic since he grew up a Cowboys fan and his favorite thing to do is complain about Garrett.
You’d think with all the complaining Dubin does about Garrett that he would pick against the Cowboys out of pure spite every week, but that’s not how Jared operates. Instead of picking against Dallas, he spends most of his week sending out passive-aggressive tweets about the Cowboys.
Alright, enough of Dubin and his love-hate relationship with the Cowboys, let’s get to the picks.
NFL Week 10 Picks
Buffalo (2-7) at N.Y. Jets (3-6)
1 p.m. ET (CBS)
If Roger Goodell ever quits his job and gives it to me, the first thing I’m going to do is move all of Nathan Peterman’s games to prime time. I’ll be honest, there’s no quarterback in the NFL who’s more thrilling to watch than Peterman. The best part of watching Peterman is that literally anything can happen on any play. I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s the only quarterback in NFL history who has thrown as many touchdown passes to his team as he has to the other team. In two seasons, Peterman has thrown three touchdown passes and three pick-sixes. Anytime he steps on the field, it’s basically like watching Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic; you know it’s all going to end in disaster, but you’re going to be entertained for three hours, so you might as well watch.
The problem with my plan to put Peterman in prime time every week is that the Bills keep trying to put him back on the bench. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that Peterman is the Bills’ third option at quarterback this week. Bills coach Sean McDermott said Peterman’s only going to play if Josh Allen and Derek Anderson aren’t healthy enough to go. I’m not sure what that says about Peterman that the Bills would rather start two different injured quarterbacks over him, but whatever it says, it can’t be good. Basically, the Bills are going to either be starting a quarterback coming off an injury or Peterman, so I think we all know who I have to pick here, and it’s not Buffalo.
The one weird thing about this game is that the Jets are favored to win by eight points, which is somewhat baffling, because they didn’t even score eight points on Sunday against the Dolphins, and the Bills defense might be better than Miami’s. This game is going to be a defensive struggle and as long as Sam Darnold doesn’t throw four interceptions for the second week in a row, I fully expect the Jets to win.
The pick: Jets 16-13 over Bills
Detroit (3-5) at Chicago (5-3)
1 p.m. ET (Fox)
I have to be honest, I can’t remember the last time the Bears played in a somewhat important game this late in the season. For the past five years, the Bears have had a lot in common with actual Bears in the sense that they both basically do nothing once the weather gets cold. Speaking of doing nothing, that’s exactly what the Lions have done in the past two weeks during blowout losses to the Seahawks and Vikings. The Lions season is one loss away from turning into a total disaster.
In the past week alone, we’ve seen Matt Patricia get mad at a reporter for having bad posture, we’ve seen the Lions trade away one of their best receivers and we’ve also seen them fire their special teams coach for no reason. I’m not sure how the coaching responsibilities are divided up in Detroit, but I have to say, the special teams coach is probably the last guy I would fire after watching my offensive line give up 10 sacks like the Lions did to the Vikings on Sunday. It feels like Patricia is getting desperate, but that might be a good thing, because the Lions only seem to win when he’s desperate. After the Lions started 0-2, it looked like Detroit’s season was on the brink of collapse, but then they upset the Patriots. This week, they get a Bears team that Matthew Stafford has gone 9-1 against over the past five years.
If Khalil Mack was going to be 100 percent healthy for this game, I would pick the Bears because he would probably rack up 10 sacks on his own, but if he plays, I think he’ll be slightly hobbled, so I’m taking the Lions.
The pick: Lions 20-17 over Bears
New Orleans (7-1) at Cincinnati (5-3)
1 p.m. ET (Fox)
I don’t usually believe in trap games, but then I looked at the Saints schedule and now I believe in trap games. After knocking off the previously undefeated Rams over the weekend, the Saints now have to travel to Cincinnati, which will be followed by a game against the defending Super Bowl champion Eagles in Week 11. I mean, let’s be honest here, if your team is going to fall asleep at the wheel during one of those three games, it’s definitely going to be the one against the Bengals.
This game has all the ingredients for an upset. For one, the Saints have struggled big time against AFC North teams this year. If the Saints hadn’t put voodoo on every kicker in that division, they would likely be 5-3 instead of 7-1. They only beat the Ravens because Justin Tucker somehow missed an extra point. And let’s not forget about the Browns game, where the Saints escaped with a three-point win after Cleveland’s kicker missed two field goals and two extra points. I have no idea what the Saints are doing to AFC North kickers, but If I’m the Bengals kicker, I’m locking myself in a closet all week just to be safe.
Another thing that could spur the upset is the weather.
What that stat should say to you is that if the Saints were an animal, they would be an indoor cat.
On the flip side of all this, the Bengals are dealing with their own issues. They almost certainly won’t have A.J. Green, they’ve lost to the three best teams they’ve played this year (Panthers, Steelers, Chiefs) and their defense is on pace to give up more yardage than any other defense in NFL history.
So what am I going do here? Every week, I like to pick at least one big upset, but unfortunately for Bengals fans, this will not be that upset.
The pick: Saints 30-20 over Bengals
Carolina (6-2) at Pittsburgh (5-2-1)
8:20 p.m. ET, Thursday (Fox/NFL Network/Amazon Prime)
I have some news that’s going to make everyone emotional, but I’m going to give it to you anyway: We have finally reached the final week of the Le’Veon Bell holdout. I’m not sure how we survived, but we did and I think we’re all better people for it. Now, I have no idea how this is all going to play out, but if Bell wants to play this year, he has to report to the Steelers by 4 p.m. ET on Nov. 13. To add to the mystery of all this, Bell sent out a cryptic tweet this week that says everything without actually saying anything.
Now, I know what you’re thinking and yes, someone who has made $16 million over the course of his NFL career should probably be able to afford a phone that autocorrects “Fairwell” to “Farewell,” but maybe Bell did that on purpose because he wants a “fair” deal that will pay him “well.” Am I looking way too much into this tweet? Of course I am, but looking way too much into cryptic tweets is basically 40 percent of the job when it comes to being a sportswriter these days.
As for this game, the Steelers offense has been on fire without Bell. As a matter fact, you have to think that most of the team is secretly hoping that he doesn’t report at all this season due to the way that James Conner has been playing. Conner has gone for over 100 yards in four straight games and I have to think he’s going to want to have one more big game before Bell reports. On the Panthers’ end, I’m basically afraid to pick them to win in any game that’s being played on the road. They’re just 1-2 in road games on the season and they would be 0-3 if not for a wild comeback against the Eagles in a game where they trailed 17-0 in the fourth quarter.
The last time the Panthers beat the Steelers was so long ago that Kerry Collins was Carolina’s starting quarterback. Can you guess what year that was? I’ll give you a hint, it was the same year that Shaquille O’Neal changed movie history by starring in Kazaam. You know what, that’s a horrible hint, so why don’t I just tell you: It was 1996.
The pick: Steelers 27-24 over Panthers
NFL Week 10 picks: All the rest
Falcons 30-23 over Browns
Patriots 31-17 over Titans
Colts 30-17 over Jaguars
Chiefs 37-16 over Cardinals
Buccaneers 22-19 over Redskins
Chargers 31-20 over Raiders
Packers 27-17 over Dolphins
Rams 30-27 over Seahawks
Eagles 23-20 over Cowboys
Giants 20-16 over 49ers
BYES: Broncos, Vikings, Ravens, Texans
Best pick: Last week, I predicted that the Chargers would become the first AFC team ever to beat Russell Wilson in Seattle and then the Chargers went out and became the first AFC team ever to beat Russell Wilson in Seattle. Of course, the bigger storyline here is that we almost had the first on-field murder in the history of the NFL. Basically, it’s a good thing the Chargers won this game because I’m not sure Caleb Sturgis would have survived the flight home if they would have lost. I mean, just look at the way Philip Rivers reacted after Sturgis missed his first extra point.
Sturgis would miss another extra point and a field goal and if you’re wondering what Rivers’ face looked like after Sturgis missed that third kick, well, just look at his face above and imagine it more angry, and about 11 shades of red darker. By the way, after seeing Rivers’ face in that clip, let me just say that if I were to ever get stuck in a Hunger Games style death fight with one NFL quarterback on my side, I’d definitely want Rivers. Cam Newton would probably also be a good partner. I definitely wouldn’t want Nathan Peterman though.
Anyway, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my Chargers over Seahawks prediction because with just minutes left in the fourth quarter, a graphic flashed on the screen that kindly reminded America that Sturgis’ performance was the worst for a kicker since 1979 when MY DAD did the same thing. There are certain times you never want to see your last name on TV and I have to say, this was one of them (You also never want to see your last name on TV when watching Dateline, America’s Most Wanted or Making a Murderer).
I guess I know what we’ll be talking about when I go visit my dad for Thanksgiving this year. The good news for my dad is that he lasted 13 more years in the NFL after his disastrous streak. On the other hand, things haven’t worked out so well for Sturgis, who was cut on Monday. Maybe I should invite him over for Thanksgiving.
Worst pick: For some reason, when I was making my picks last week, I assumed there was no way the Raiders could lose to a 49ers team that was being quarterbacked by some guy that 99 percent of America had never heard of, and let’s just say the joke was on me because that guy went out and embarrassed everyone, especially Jon Gruden. If I gave someone a $100 million contract like the Raiders did with Gruden, I would expect them to either cure cancer or at least be able to devise a game plan that can stop Nick Mullens, and Gruden didn’t do either of those things last week. It’s a good thing the two guys below don’t run the Raiders or Gruden wouldn’t have a job anymore.
If your fans are already calling for you to be fired when you’re just eight games into a 10-year contract, that doesn’t seem like it bodes well for the future.
Finally, if you guys have ever wondered which teams I’m actually good at picking, it’s that time of year where I start sharing that inside information with you. Through nine weeks, I’m still perfect picking two teams: The Rams (9-0) and the Seahawks (8-0). As fate would have it, they play each other this week, so let’s hope that pick doesn’t blow up in my face.
Also, I’m 7-1 or 8-1 picking the Chargers, Bears, Browns and Bills. On a related note, you should basically just ignore my Eagles picks. I’m 2-6 picking them this season, which obviously means the Cowboys are going to win this week. I bet Dubin would like that.
Straight up in Week 9: 9-4
SU overall: 88-44-2
Against the spread in Week 9: 9-4
ATS overall: 64-66-4
Exact score predictions: 2
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he’s not doing one of those things, he’s probably watching Nathan Peterman’s 2017 highlight video, which actually doesn’t have any highlights in it.
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