{"id":292239,"date":"2023-09-24T07:04:25","date_gmt":"2023-09-24T07:04:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/allmysportsnews.com\/?p=292239"},"modified":"2023-09-24T07:04:25","modified_gmt":"2023-09-24T07:04:25","slug":"i-hated-my-life-bronson-xerri-tells-all-as-four-year-drug-ban-comes-to-an-end","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allmysportsnews.com\/rugby-league\/i-hated-my-life-bronson-xerri-tells-all-as-four-year-drug-ban-comes-to-an-end\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I hated my life\u2019: Bronson Xerri tells all as four-year drug ban comes to an end"},"content":{"rendered":"
By <\/span>Michael Chammas<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Out of the wilderness; Bronson Xerri\u2019s four-year ban is over.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Steven Siewert<\/cite><\/p>\n Add articles to your saved list and come back to them any time.<\/p>\n On a bench inside a bustling Centennial Park on Saturday morning, two days out from his ban being lifted, Bronson Xerri sits down to tell his story.<\/p>\n His mentor, renowned sprint coach Roger Fabri, wanders over to the bench next to him.<\/p>\n Xerri\u2019s agent, Matt Desira, paces around the table like a father at a kindergarten orientation day, wondering \u2013 and hoping at the same time \u2013 if he is ready for what the world has in store for him.<\/p>\n After a few minutes of under-arm questions designed to do nothing but make him feel comfortable, the conversation takes a turn when Xerri is asked to recount the darkest of his 1219 days since he was banished to the rugby league wilderness for taking steroids.<\/p>\n An awkward silence follows. Fabri, Xerri\u2019s closest confidant, interjects.<\/p>\n \u201cSuicide,\u201d he says without reservation, before Xerri jumps in.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if I want to put that in the story,\u201d the 23-year-old responds.<\/p>\n The back and forth continues for a couple of minutes.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy? What are you ashamed of?\u201d Fabri asks. \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal? What … people are going to think you\u2019re weak? It\u2019s the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n Fabri knows how close Xerri came to ending it all. He was often \u2013 five or six times a day \u2013 on the receiving end of panicked and disturbing phone calls.<\/p>\n \u201cHe would go through a whole series of different types of emotions, even just over the course of a day sometimes,\u201d Fabri says.<\/p>\n \u201cI would get calls telling me that he was ready to go crazy and rip in. Then two hours later he\u2019d be looking for the tree to go hang himself. Many times, I thought I was going to lose him. Many times.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Bronson Xerri is ready to return to rugby league.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Steven Siewert<\/cite><\/p>\n Xerri is uncomfortable, trying to find the words to explain how he felt.<\/p>\n The discomfort isn\u2019t so much with the revelation of the severity of the mental health demons he has been battling for the best part of four years, but instead the notion that he had the right to evoke any emotion but shame from those who would soon come to read his words.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not ashamed about how close I came [to ending my life], but I am ashamed playing the victim,\u201d he later explains after Fabri and Desira leave for a meeting. \u201cAt the end of the day, no one cares. I don\u2019t want to play the violin. I harmed myself. I put myself in this position. No one else.<\/p>\n \u201cFor me to play the victim is stupid. It\u2019s simple; I shouldn\u2019t have done what I did. Everything that I\u2019ve been through is because of what I did. I own that. I man up to that.\u201d<\/p>\n Xerri\u2019s phone rang. Then it rang again.<\/p>\n It was the morning of May 22, 2020\u2013 six days out from the NRL\u2019s return after a two-month hiatus in the early days of the pandemic .<\/p>\n Xerri was home alone. He didn\u2019t recognise the phone number and, like most NRL players, let it keep ringing through.<\/p>\n The phone rang again. What he didn\u2019t realise at the time was that there were two men in a vehicle parked outside his Menai home waiting for him to pick up the phone. They\u2019d been there since 7am.<\/p>\n When he eventually answered after the fourth call he was in a state of shock as he was asked to bring his phone and laptop to the front door to hand over to the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have tested positive to Testosterone, Androsterone, Etiocholanolone and 5b-androstane-3a, 17b-diol,\u201d the ASADA representative went on to say.<\/p>\n Xerri, in the frantic moments before he opened the door, called his mother and now ex-girlfriend.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to come home now,\u201d he said. \u201cSomething has gone wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n The ASADA representatives soon left with his belongings. A shaken Xerri, waiting alone for his loved ones to return home, broke down.<\/p>\n \u201cI closed the door and I just bawled my eyes out,\u201d he recalled. \u201cIt was horrendous. It was a nightmare. I couldn\u2019t stop crying.\u201d <\/p>\n In the few hours he had between him finding out his fate and the media discovering his predicament, he jumped onto his partner\u2019s phone and deleted all social media accounts.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was one mistake, one injection, at a dark moment in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n He wasn\u2019t ready to hear what the world thought of Bronson Xerri, the drug cheat.<\/p>\n By that afternoon, and all day for the next seven days, there were television crews and reporters camped outside his home.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m looking out my window seeing all these cameras and journalists,\u201d he said. \u201cMy mum and brother can\u2019t even leave the house. I\u2019d done that to them.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was one mistake, one injection, at a dark moment in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n Xerri is open during the interview, but how he came into possession of the substance is a topic he won\u2019t discuss.<\/p>\n He goes on to explain the reasons, not excuses, for that one injection. He\u2019s at pains to stress that his explanation is merely to provide context for the state that he was in, not justification for the action of injecting himself in the days leading up to his test on November 25, 2019.<\/p>\n That year was life-changing. He had made his NRL debut at the age of 18 and was being touted as a future superstar of the game.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Bronson Xerri tested positive to a banned substance in November 2019.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>NRL Photos <\/cite><\/p>\n By the end of the year his shoulder wasn\u2019t able to withstand the rigours of such a brutal and demanding sport and was required to undergo two surgeries. A third beckoned.<\/p>\n He was feeling pressure from his club to get himself right for the start of the next season, such was his growing importance to the team, but the lingering issues with his shoulder weren\u2019t going away.<\/p>\n Twelve days before he was tested by ASADA in the bellows of Shark Park, where he was struggling with his rehabilitation, his step-brother Troy Xerri was involved in a horror car accident.<\/p>\n He lost control of his speeding Toyota Hilux, crossing onto the wrong side of the road and collided into two cars in Eastwood in Sydney\u2019s north-west, including a Mazda hatchback. The impact killed 63-year-old mother, Jo Duke.<\/p>\n Xerri\u2019s brother was facing a lengthy stint behind bars, and would later go on to plead guilty to dangerous driving occasioning death and dangerous driving occasioning grievous bodily harm.<\/p>\n \u201cI wasn\u2019t thinking at all,\u201d Xerri said.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t think anything. I saw what I saw and without thinking I did it. I promise to God, I was not thinking. The state that I was in was horrendous. It\u2019s not an excuse, but the reality of the position I found myself in.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was one mistake in a dark moment in my life. I had a lot going on. I was 19. I was vulnerable. I had just gone through two big operations on my shoulder. I wasn\u2019t thinking at all. I wasn\u2019t in a good mindset.\u201d<\/p>\n In the days and months that followed his public and private humiliation, Xerri pushed everyone away. He became a recluse, finding little joy in the life he once loved.<\/p>\n \u201cI hated my life,\u201d he said. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to get out of bed.\u201d<\/p>\n His friendship with many of his friends deteriorated. People he once considered friends became invisible in his time of need. Much of that, he admits, is because of his own unwillingness to accept the repercussions of his actions.<\/p>\n Some of it, however, was a reflection of the true colours of those he once considered brothers.<\/p>\n \u201cI filtered out all the bad people,\u201d he said. \u201cAll the fake friends that I had.\u201d<\/p>\n The one bond that grew was his friendship with Fabri.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s my therapist, trainer and best mate, all in one,\u201d Xerri says, talking about the man who only an hour earlier was putting him through his paces during a sprint training session at Centennial Park.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Bronson Xerri during his sprint training on Saturday morning.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Steven Siewert<\/cite><\/p>\n Fabri has risked it all for Xerri. He was told that working with Xerri would be in breach of his high-performance accreditation.<\/p>\n It didn\u2019t stop him from handing in his accreditation, denying him the opportunity to watch one of his clients win gold at the 2022 Commonwealth Games in Birmingham, while also stripping him of the $20 million in insurance cover his accreditation once entitled him to.<\/p>\n \u201cNo one would give me insurance,\u201d he said. \u201cMy business manager said to me: \u2018this has got to be the most ridiculous decision you\u2019ve ever made\u2019. But I had to stay with him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201dHe doesn\u2019t even know this because it\u2019s none of his business, but I promised him from the start that I was there for him. \u2018I didn\u2019t give a f- – -\u2019. I wanted to show him that I could be the best friend to him. The amount of people who say they have your back, don\u2019t really have your back.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople want to talk about stand-up guys … that\u2019s all talk. You put yourself through real shit and see who are the real people that stand right there for you in the shadow when you really f—ing need them. There\u2019s not many. He\u2019s been through hell, this kid. He\u2019s been through f—ing hell.\u201d<\/p>\n Part of the reason Xerri pushed people away was because of the manner in which he was raised.<\/p>\n His father, Darren, is a physically intimidating presence. A tough and unbreakable exterior matched by an equally impenetrable emotional state.<\/p>\n This ordeal, though, changed the family.<\/p>\n \u201cI was brought up to be the tough guy who doesn\u2019t show emotion,\u201d Xerri admits.<\/p>\n \u201cBefore all of this, we were all walking around like … I\u2019m not saying we\u2019re cocky but we like to be strong and show that. My dad raised me to be tough and stand on my own two feet.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Bronson Xerri scores a try for the Sharks against the Dragons in 2019.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Getty<\/cite><\/p>\n \u201cWhen this all happened, he saw a vulnerable side to me and I saw a vulnerable side to him. It brought us closer. And my mum … I can\u2019t tell you what that woman has seen me go through. She saw me at the worst of my worst. She\u2019s been my rock.\u201d<\/p>\n His father could see his son\u2019s life spiralling out of control. It had been almost a year since he was cast aside from the sport. His reluctance to do much more than leave his bedroom to see what was in the fridge triggered a drastic response from a father who couldn\u2019t watch on as his son began to throw his life away.<\/p>\n It\u2019s why he would drive from his home in Coogee to his ex-partner\u2019s Menai home to pick up his son and take him to a gym in Gregory Hills on the outskirts of Sydney to force him to train.<\/p>\n \u201cHe knew that not many people would know me out there,\u201d Xerri says.<\/p>\n That was reflected in the man entrusted to help him find his way, personal trainer Tanaka Machisa, who 30 minutes into the interview sets up camp on the adjacent bench as a show of support for his now-close friend.<\/p>\n \u201cMy manager said to me, \u2018I\u2019ve got a lead for you and you\u2019ve probably heard of him. His name is Bronson Xerri\u2019,\u201d Machisa recalls.<\/p>\n \u201cI was like, \u2018nah, sorry, never heard of him\u2019. But I\u2019ll never forget the conversation with his dad. He said to me: \u2018out of everything I want you to work on with him, nothing is more important than you being there for him mentally\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Xerri with trainer Tanaka Machisa (left) and with his brother, Troy (right).<\/span><\/p>\n Xerri didn\u2019t know it at the time, but the bond they would soon develop would mark the beginning of his road to redemption.<\/p>\n The NRL was the furthest thing from his mind, but his sessions with Machisa would trigger a chain of events that would culminate in a significant shift of his bleak and doomed outlook.<\/p>\n \u201cFrom 12 o\u2019clock to 1, when I was training with T, that was when I was at my happiest.<\/p>\n \u201cIn the morning before it, and all day after it, I hated life. I didn\u2019t want to leave the gym. That one hour a day was all I looked forward to in life. Training became my medicine.\u201d<\/p>\n Almost two years into his exile, Xerri stepped foot into the real world. For someone who walked straight out of high school into an NRL team, the grind of working for a living was a foreign concept.<\/p>\n He begrudgingly picked up a nail gun and joined his older brother and best friend, at their request, on a construction site as a carpenter. They had hoped it would help him through his journey, but it had the opposite effect.<\/p>\n \u201cIt made me feel even worse, to be honest,\u201d Xerri said.<\/p>\n \u201cI was standing out there on this stinking hot day shooting frames. It hit me. This is reality. I\u2019ve gone from scoring tries living the life as a footy player, to this life that I never wanted.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was an eye-opener for me. I realised my calling was football and I didn\u2019t want to waste what I had worked so hard for. Plus I hated carpentry. I can\u2019t believe I lasted six or seven months.\u201d<\/p>\n In those months, Xerri began to contemplate a comeback to professional sport. At first, it was via player agent Gavin Orr, who phoned the disgraced athlete to gauge his interest in a potential future in the NFL.<\/p>\n It\u2019s one of the few sporting competitions that doesn\u2019t fall under the World Anti-Doping Code, exempting him from the strict four-year ban that he had been handed.<\/p>\n Orr, and his brother Chris, had experience in that line of work. They represented Jordan Mailata when he went over to the United States, where he eventually went on to land a spot with the Philadelphia Eagles and play in last year\u2019s Super Bowl loss to Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Xerri will on Monday be free to return to professional training with the Bulldogs.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Steven Siewert<\/cite><\/p>\n They\u2019d also orchestrated Valentine Holmes\u2019 exit from the NRL in 2018, helping him earn a spot on the New York Jets\u2019 practice squad the following year.<\/p>\n Xerri had been booked on a plane to Florida and granted at a spot at the IMG academy, where he would be exposed to talent scouts and afforded the opportunity to show off his talent at NFL combines.<\/p>\n Whispers of his NFL pursuit, though, began to circulate in the media.<\/p>\n \u201cThen my lawyer called me,\u201d Xerri says.<\/p>\n \u201cHe said that if I went over there, ASADA would restart my four-year ban from the day I returned.<\/p>\n \u201cBang. Just like that I was back into my hole. Back into my depression. In those weeks that I thought I was going, I finally had a purpose. I thought I had nothing to lose. Then they gave me something to lose. I could not risk it.\u201d<\/p>\n Almost a year later he went in search of a new agent, forming a connection with Desira.<\/p>\n Desira, having just secured Xerri as a client, made it known to a staff member at the Bulldogs that the speedster was keen to explore a return to rugby league.<\/p>\n The message was passed on to the club\u2019s general manager, Phil Gould, who wanted to set up a meeting with the banished footballer.<\/p>\n \u201cThe day I started to see the light again was the day Gus reached out,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cI still remember I was at home when my manager called and said \u2018Gus wants to meet you\u2019. I said \u2018Gus? Like as in Gus Gould?<\/p>\n \u201cYou have no idea what hearing that did to me. It built this happiness inside of me that I hadn\u2019t felt for a very long time. A feeling that I hadn\u2019t felt in nearly three years. I rang my mum. I rang my dad. I rang everyone. I\u2019m meeting Gus tomorrow!\u201d<\/p>\n That night Xerri barely slept.<\/p>\n He kept thinking about how, during moments of sadness during his exile, he would sometimes picture himself in a Bulldogs jersey.<\/p>\n \u201cI was a Bulldogs junior, so I just had this feeling that if I ever played again it would be for them. Then Gus reached out.\u201d <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Phil Gould walks down the stairs at the club\u2019s Belmore headquarters.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>Getty Images<\/cite><\/p>\n During a meeting at well-known Belmore establishment Jobel\u2019s Cafe, where Gould conducts most of the meetings he does not want to keep secret, the Canterbury supremo lit a fire inside of Xerri.<\/p>\n \u201cAs soon as I saw Gus, I was sold,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cI was in. I walked out of there saying \u2018that\u2019s where I\u2019m going\u2019. My manager told me to relax because other clubs would be coming. I said to him \u2018no, Dessie, don\u2019t bother with them. I\u2019m going to the Bulldogs\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n In the pre-season leading into his rookie year in the NRL back in 2019, Cronulla\u2019s game-day staff asked the-then teenager if he had a preference about the song they play over the speaker at Shark Park if he was to score a try.<\/p>\n Run This Town<\/em>, by Jay-Z, Kanye West and Rihanna was his jam.<\/p>\n \u201dFeel it comin\u2019 in the air. Hear the screams from everywhere. I\u2019m addicted to the thrill. It\u2019s a dangerous love affair. Can\u2019t be scared when it goes down. Got a problem, tell me now. Only thing that\u2019s on my mind … Is who\u2019s gon\u2019 run this town tonight.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n The lyrics were the fitting backdrop to an eye-opening try against the Penrith Panthers in round six that put the rugby league world on notice. It\u2019s been his go-to track ever since.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s a moment I\u2019ll never forget,\u201d he said. \u201cThe song was on, the crowd was going nuts. I was like \u2019wow, I\u2019ve made it. From that night, it\u2019s been my song. All my mates know. That\u2019s me. In my darkest moments that song has been with me.\u201d<\/p>\n The jury is still out. Does the blistering speed he showed to get around James Maloney and Dallin Watene-Zelezniak for his first NRL try all those years ago still exist?<\/p>\n Apparently, he still runs 100 metres in 10.8 seconds. Not bad for an athlete who now tips the scales at 100 kilograms, six kilograms heavier than the one who burst onto the scene four years ago.<\/p>\n A lot has changed in rugby league over that time. Not that he would know much about that.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t watch a game for a long time,\u201d he said. \u201cI was so turned off the sport, I didn\u2019t want anything to do with it.\u201d<\/p>\n In mid-July this year, on the day the Bulldogs faithful farewelled the club\u2019s favourite son Josh Reynolds at Belmore Sports Ground, Xerri was in the stands. It was the first game he had been to since his final one for the black, white and blue.<\/p>\n Desira had to physically drag him into the car, such was the anxiety about returning to watch the sport and being around people who knew exactly what he had done.<\/p>\n The reception he received from the Bulldogs faithful couldn\u2019t have been further from the treatment he\u2019d been copping online for years. The animosity towards him, though, acts as the fuel driving his redemption story.<\/p>\n \u201cI read the hate comments and I want to come back and prove them wrong,\u201d he said. \u201cPeople saying I was only the player I was because I was on drugs. I took one injection. It was the biggest mistake of my life. For people to think that I turned into the Hulk from one injection is wrong.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Bronson Xerri has been given the all-clear to return to training on Monday.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>NRL Photos<\/cite><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve done enough talking. It\u2019s time I go out there and let my actions speak for themselves. I can sit here and say whatever I want, but I\u2019m going to go out there and prove to everyone that I\u2019m the player that I am because of my hard work and sacrifice, not because I took one injection. All the sacrifices I made when I was young … All the hard work I put in to get to where I was. That was me. That wasn\u2019t because of one injection.\u201d<\/p>\n Some of the photos Xerri posted of his buff and heavily-inked body during his rugby league hiatus, at a weight of 107kg, only flamed the belief that he was still using steroids.<\/p>\n Over the past year he has undergone regular testing in preparation for his return, adamant that his ability to remain in peak physical condition wasn\u2019t a result of any illicit substance.<\/p>\n \u201cSteriods had just ruined my life. I had hate for it,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cI had hate for myself. I had hate for football. I had hate for the world. I had a \u2018f— it\u2019 mentality with life in general.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I\u2019ve got nothing to hide. Besides that one positive test, I have passed every single test and I have been tested a lot. More than the usual. I\u2019m going to be targeted, but come [at me].<\/p>\n \u201cI post all these things on Instagram of me training hard and my body. People are saying \u2018oh this guy is still on the gear\u2019. Do they think that I\u2019m going to post pictures like that if I\u2019m taking stuff? Not a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n Xerri has the belief in himself that, with a pre-season under his belt, he can be a better player than the one that left the game. Physically he will be in optimal condition. Mentally, he will be challenged.<\/p>\n Only the strong survive \u2013 the new tattoo he is thinking of inking on to his body when it makes it back into the bright lights of the NRL.<\/p>\n He can already picture the moment. Headphones on. Two-minute bell about to ring. Crowd going ballistic in the stands. Rihanna blaring through the speakers.<\/p>\n \u201dLife\u2019s a game but it\u2019s not fair. I break the rules so I don\u2019t care. So I keep doin\u2019 my own thing. Walkin\u2019 tall against the rain. Victory\u2019s within the mile. Almost there, don\u2019t give up now. Only thing that\u2019s on my mind … Is who\u2019s gon\u2019 run this town tonight.\u201c<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019ll be the last thing I listen to before I walk out that tunnel,\u201d he says. \u201cThen it\u2019s game on, bro. I\u2019m back.\u201d<\/p>\n If you or anyone you know needs support, call 139 276, <\/b>Lifeline<\/b> on 131 114 or <\/b>Beyond Blue<\/b> on 1300 224 636.<\/b><\/p>\n Watch the NRL Grand Final Exclusive Live and Free on Channel 9 and <\/i><\/b>9Now<\/i><\/b>.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Sports news, results and expert commentary. <\/i><\/b>Sign up for our Sport newsletter<\/i><\/b>.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nSave articles for later<\/h3>\n
\nHow it all went down<\/h3>\n
\nSpiralling into depression<\/h3>\n
\nLight at the end of the tunnel<\/h3>\n
\nThe comeback<\/h3>\n
Most Viewed in Sport<\/h2>\n